Really The Biggest Loser

I don't want to sound like a stand up comedian here, but have you heard about this product called Alli (Orlistat)? It's a "weight loss aid" that works by preventing the absorption of fat in your intestines. Sounds reasonable, except for the side effects.

With most drugs you have a litany of side effects that are either mild enough to be acceptable or are so far out that you can't imagine it will happen to you. Things like "some people taking Zibulox experience tingling in their fingers." If Zibulox prevents hemorrhoids and the trade off is tingly fingers, that's a deal. "More severe side effects include the growth of rectal gnomes who will keep you awake mining your feces for corn to make E-85." Now, that's just something that won't happen to me....after all, I haven't heard of that on the news, so Zibulox is still getting the green light from me.

Not so with Alli. This is straight from their pamphlet (emphasis is mine): "The MAIN side effect occurs when you eat a meal with too much fat while taking Alli." So far that's not promising because that seems like something that is likely to happen. It goes on: "If so much fat is blocked that your stool can't absorb it, you might have side effects." The flyer then explains that they prefer to call them "treatment effects." Then it hits you with the whammy: "These include loose or more frequent stools that may be hard to control, or gas with an oily discharge. The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza."

What the fuck kind of pizza do these people eat? To summarize, when you're taking this weight loss supplement and you eat a meal with too much fat (which is what got you in trouble in the first place) you are likely to either have frequent diarrhea, shit yourself or have oily farts.

Bruce: "Hey Bob, looks like you sat on an oily piece of pizza. Quite a stain on the seat of the old pants there."

Bob: "Nope, that's just an oily discharge from a fart. It sure looks like the oil on slice of pizza though. Thanks to Alli, I'm farting myself thin!"

Bruce: "I just threw up in my mouth a little."

If this thing starts to take off, I'm buying stock in Kimberly-Clark, the maker of Depends. Now, more than ever, they're not just for people with bladder control problems!