The Phrase That Pays

Ronnie James Dio is credited with being the guy who started the "devil's horns" symbol that has been used by 15 quadrillion heavy metal fans for as long as I can remember.

Now imagine this scene: A young man is walking down the street carrying a bag of groceries. He trips, and the bag spills it's contents all over the sidewalk. Oranges roll toward the street. His leg is hurt and he can't get up. He points to the errant fruit and calls out to a passing girl - "Little help!"

Someone sitting at a table in a nearby restaurant patio thinks this whole scene is funny and starts using "Little Help" all the time. It catches on.

My question is who was the first person to use "Little Help?" I wonder if he knows he was the first one to use and if it rubs him raw that he doesn't get royalties.

Are their legs broken?

Here's a new rule - if your car's windows aren't fully defrosted by the time you get there, you live too close to be driving your kids to school.

Another One Pager

Here's another single page writing exercise:

Nobody knows exactly what happened. I mean, who struck first, and how it escalated. It doesn't really matter much, not to those who made it. It won't change anything anyway. The things that do matter now are all too scarce, especially the big three - food, water and trust. I'm sure that somewhere, someone knows enough to piece it together. One day, when society starts to come back together, they'll have books that discuss it much like we had books that talked about the Black Death. They'll have theories, and other theories that contradict the earlier theories. They'll know the major facts but won't have enough of the smaller pieces to completely connect the dots. No one like me will be able to help because we'll be long dead. But I'm rambling.

The world came to an end in about 6 hours. First, at least the first thing I was aware of, there was an explosion in Washington. I was at work, and everyone stopped and grew quiet as the talking heads were telling us that it was likely that tens, maybe hundreds, of thousands of people had been killed. Some people stayed all afternoon, looking at that box, listening as reports came in and later reports told the opposite story. It was total confusion. Me, I got out of there after the military started hitting targets in North Korea, Iran and Syria. It was getting really bad and I wanted to be at home. I never made it.

When New York was hit the broadcasts all went dark. Local feeds cut back in, but they didn't last long. One by one, the bombs dropped and communication was cut completely off. I think every city over 200,000 people was hit; at least the ones I've come close to were. No one was spared that day - rick or poor, black or white, everyone in the path of one of the blasts was killed. Only the lucky, or the unlucky, depending on your perspective, lived to see the next day. At first I felt ashamed

END PAGE

Gay-dar?

So why is everyone gay? I was running this morning and this guy pulls out from a side street and kind of glares as me as he makes the turn. He was in one of those old, beat up, loud as hell pick up trucks, and as he passed he really goosed it, made it roar, and when he was past me he let off. Was he trying to impress me? Maybe he's just confused sexually and want to broadcast to anyone and everyone just to see what happens. But I bet he would totally get pissed if someone called him gay. It would be like this:

Them: VRROOOOOOMM!!!!!!
Me: Um…I don’t get it.
Them: Aren’t you impressed? I pushed really hard on the gas pedal! It made a loud noise!!
Me: So, like, what’s the point? I’m not really impressed, because it seems like a monkey could be trained to do that, and I’m not gay so I don’t really get the whole “check me out” thing…
Them: Hey, I’m not gay! What are you trying to say!!??
Me: Well, you’re drawing attention to yourself, I thought, trying to impress me…I just assumed…you know...how do I say this with tact?...I thought maybe you were cruising for some man-ass. I'm flattered and all, but it ain't happening.
Them: Shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about!!!

Then he would run like a girl with his legs all flying out to the side and his arms all floppy over to his loud car and floor it and peel out with all the smoke and the noise and the hey everyone look at me thing.

Me: See, there, you did it again!! Stop sending mixed messages!

In the eye of the beholder

I've said it before and I'll say it again...I just don't get what's so beautiful about a beauty mark.

I'm a pimp

I haven't blogged much in recent days because I have been busy studying for my project management professional certificate. I spent the better part of a week studying for this thing, and I'm glad I did because the exam was brutal.

One of the people I work with has a good example of what the exam is like. The questions are appropriately ambiguous so as to trip you up by getting you thinking too much. Here's her analogy:

What color is the sky?

A. Blue
B. Black
C. Orange
D. Indigo

Your thought process works like this: "Of course it's blue! Wait...at night it's black, and at sunrise or sunset it can be orange...indigo is a more specific shade of blue...Frick! You know what? Fuck it, it's blue."

And so it went for 4 hours. My only comforting thought was that if my ex-wife could pass this thing, then surely I could. But then a nagging thought kicked in....what if I don't pass? How big of an idiot would that make me? I only know of one other person who failed it and she failed 3 times and was forced to wait a year before taking it again. Could I be that big of a dud? As it turned out, no. I did far better on the exam than I thought I would, and even that would have been more than I needed to pass. Now I have my PMP certification, so you can call me a PiMP.

Talk Soup

Driving to work today in a blinding fog, I began to wonder why it's always said that fog is as thick as pea soup. I understand that pea soup is thick, but who eats it? And it's green! Fog isn't green! I think the analogy should be more appropriate.

Jim: "Man, this fog is as thick as clam chowder!"

Bill: "New England or..."

Jim: "Of course New England, jackass. Nobody eats the other one."

El Nino Rules! I can't believe it didn't work

A long time ago one of my friends came up with an idea for a bumper sticker. In the winter of '97 we had a lot of snow in the high country courtesy of "El Nino." If you've never heard of this phenomenon, it is related to a cyclical temperature change in the waters of the Pacific Ocean. When it hits, it creates bigger, more moisture laden storms that end up dumping more snow in the mountains, and therefore, on the slopes of the ski areas. This sticker had a skier on it and next to the skier it said "El Nino Rules!" He spent a couple of grand on the design and printing of the stickers, and to my knowledge, never came close to breaking even.

I have to wonder why it didn't work. There is no shortage of people willing to permanently deface their cars with stickers - all the "Kerry/Edwards" stickers still running about are ample evidence of that. There's no shortage of odd messages, either. I think he just missed the wave of the news coverage of El Nino, and that meant he's stuck with 10,000 ads for El Nino.

The more I see out there, the more I think he was just a stride off. Lately I've been seeing a new phenomenon around town - the amateur athlete sticker. Some of these stickers are made for people's kids who play for their school team, and I can sort of understand the sticker thing for them. Parents will go to almost any length to support/coddle/placate their kids. But the one I saw had the same logo as the jersey the man who got out of the Humvee was wearing. Yep, now people are getting stickers made of their softball teams, adding their number to the center, and plastering it right on their car.

Most of the people (I would include myself in this category) I have played softball with would be hard pressed to be called athletes. We're the kind of players that are more concerned with how much beer we can drink than with winning the game. We play for what I would call "fun," which is what recreational leagues are supposed to be about. I certainly did not feel strongly enough about the game, or derive enough of my identity from it, to advertise my team and my number everywhere I went.

There's another faction that play the game competitively. For them, it's what they spend all their time thinking about. They dread the off season, but use the down time to build their skills, or "skillz" as they might say today. They often used to play baseball in high school, or maybe college, but certainly didn't make it to the bigs. Since they never got famous playing small ball, they have invented a method to promote themselves locally. Like Al Bundy recalling the glory days of his high school football career, this is just sad. Although, if there's a ski team called "El Nino" anywhere, my friend might be back in the money!

Who says baseball isn't a contact sport?

On the news a couple of weeks ago they ran a video of a guy getting hit by a baseball player going after a fly ball. The big joke by the newscaster was that the guy drops his beer. Just like the Christmas boobs, they missed the funniest part. He got hit so hard he was knocked out of his pants! Check it out:

You have one page...

I have been doing some writing experiments where I give myself one page in a spiral-bound notebook to write something, anything. I think of a topic and go. One page, non-stop, free form brain dump. The only rule I have is that I can't censor it...of course that means some of it is pretty cheesy, but that's the point of it - if I agonize over getting everything just so, it will take forever to get anything written. If you've never done it you should...it's a freeing feeling letting your mind run for a page without restraint From time to time when I have nothing in mind here, I'll let one of them drop here. Here's the first one:

He put his headphones on and immediately heard the opening strains of ELOs "Living Thing." He knew this was a bad idea. If anyone - the cops, Bertoli's men, some random civilian witness - came in, he wouldn't be able to hear them. But then, what if it was one of Bertoli's men? If they knew he was up here he'd catch a nugget in the brain anyway, and if that were the case he would prefer not to know it was coming. Cops? Civilian? No, he was safe. So, he turned up the volume a little.
The irony of the song was not lost on him. He liked the juxtaposition - hearing Jeff Lynne lament "It's a living thing....what a terrible thing to lose" just before he pulled the trigger. It was a private joke, one that only he would get, and that kept him focused. "If you can't have fun at work," he thought, "then why do it?"
The door at the side of the building opened and two of the largest men he'd ever seen came out. As they walked to the Lincoln Navigator he wondered why the lumbering giants were so often chosen as bodyguards. They're slow, immobile; easy to hit as result, and rarely knew where the real danger was coming from. Oh well, it made his job easier. He watched as the gargantuans used mirrors to sweep the underside of the car for explosives. It was almost showtime.
He drew the rifle up to his shoulder and flipped the covers out of the way of the ends of the scope. The quarter mile closed to a few feet as his eye settled in and he centered the cross hairs on the forehead of one of the two lumbering bodyguards. He let it rest for a moment, then moved it to the door as guard number two pulled it open.
A well dressed man walked out of the building. Bertoli. He was followed by three other men - Vampa, Pastore and Genoa. "This is it." he mused. "The biggest hit of my

End page

I'm back, baby!

I forget if I've written about this or not, and I'm too lazy to go back and look. Back in July I got new running shoes. I've been running in the Saucony Grid Omni since the Omni 3, which I loved. I went through two pair of those, then the Omni 4, which I didn't like as much. The Omni 5 was awesome and again I went through 2 pair of those. That's about 1500 miles in the Omni series. Naturally when I needed a new pair and they were selling the Omni 6 that is what I went with. After about 20 miles I was developing blisters on my left foot (I NEVER get blisters on my left foot) and I had some discomfort in my right knee. I thought I was just breaking the shoes in so I kept going. Another 20 miles and the discomfort had turned into pain. Another 20 and I was having to take 3-4 days between runs. I knew at that point that the shoes were bad.

I went to Boulder Running Company and had them videotape my stride and sure enough my over-pronation was exaggerated in the Omni 6. It turns out that Saucony softened the in-step and that is where I need the most support. My foot rolled over too far and the knee was taking all the stress. I got fitted for the Asics Gel Foundation, which stopped the foot roll in the right spot.

Still, it's been a slow road back. I've been slowly increasing my mileage from a low week of 4 miles to this week's high of 15.5 miles. I've done two consecutive runs of greater than 5 miles for the first time since July and my knees, feet and shoes feel great.

It's such a relief to know that I'm back because this is my favorite time of year to run. Morning temperatures are in the high 40s or low 50s, it's light enough to run but dark enough that the world is still largely asleep. This morning I timed it perfectly so that I was at a high point and could see over all of the houses across the field just as the first blaze orange sliver of the sun rose from the embers glowing along the eastern horizon. It was a beautiful, singular moment and goes into the bag of reasons why I like to run. Now that I'm back on friendly terms with my knee I will have many more like that this fall.

If you don't know this guy, you ARE this guy

I have a couple of people at work that I've come up with a new name for. I term them BEDEs. BEDE stands for "Been Everywhere, Done Everything." These people are everywhere, mostly male, and if you've never worked with one, then you ARE one. I won't use actual conversations in case anyone from work ever actually reads this, but this is how it goes down:

Me: "I had to spend $900 to fix the ABS in my car this week."
BEDE: "I worked with the guy that invented ABS. He was a genius - but he had a weird habit of putting olive oil on his cereal."

You can see what I'm up against. This particular BEDE has a knack for making his outrageous statement, then following up with a comment that adds a drop of color to the anecdote, and in his mind, makes it more authentic.

The only thing better than one BEDE is two.

BEDE1: "Once I went into space."
BEDE2: "I spent 6 months in space. Twice. My copilot's head began to change shape and look like an alien's head."
BEDE1: "I rigged my suit so I could urinate in space. My frozen droplets should have reached Seti-Alpha 6 by now."
BEDE2: "I pooped on the sun. Did you know that feces turns blue at 10,000 degrees?"

Have a coke and a smile!

Here's a good story about how the customs and immigration are helping to secure our borders. Anyone who thinks we have lost any of our freedoms due to the Patriot act can take solace in the fact that even if you're caught with night vision goggles, thousands of dollars in cash and GPS coordinates to a known drug smuggling trail there's nothing that the government can do to you until you call them to report that you lost your cocaine!

Of course, the ultimate irony is that it was a helpful boy scout who finally found the drug laden bags.

Agent 1: "You'd better fess up pal, or you're going up for a long time! We've got the goods on you!"

Agent 2: "That's right! All this cash, the GPS device, the night vision equipment...all we're missing is the backpacks full of coke!"

Drug Guy: "Me too!!! Can you help a brother out?"


Now that they have this guy squared away, maybe they can get OJ to accidentally confess to murder!

Angels and Devils

Getting a tattoo is a lot like planning a family. "Rich," you might be saying, "I don't see how they can possibly be related. Tell me more." If you insist.

First, getting a tattoo is a serious proposition. Once you've got ink under the skin, there's no going back. Once you have a kid, there's no going back either. Either way, you have something that, like it or not, you're stuck with for life. Obviously a lifetime decision is not one to be entered into lightly. However, getting a tattoo, just like knocking a girl up, happens a lot when people have been drinking.

Anyway, I've been planning out my next tattoo for some time now. It's a lengthy process that takes time, and I've struggled with different concepts. I've thought about using my totem animal (the coyote) or sticking with the bones theme I've got going. I haven't tried to force it, because tattooing is an art, and I feel that, as with most art forms, when you come across the right thing it may just suddenly click. That's what happened here. I was listening to Social Distortion's "Winner's and Losers" and heard the following line: "There's lovers and haters/The strong, the week will all have their day/we're devils and angels/Which one will I be today?"

That like stuck in my head like Velcro. It ruminated for a while in the back of my mind, then popped up like toast with an image attached. We always have the angel and devil on our shoulders, whispering their messages in our ears. Freud called it the Superego and the Id. The question is, which one wins out? That second piece of cake may be angel's food, but it's probably not the angel telling you to go ahead and eat it. I can definitely tell you the devil has a lot of sway when I drive. So I wanted to go with the angel and devil theme. I searched and searched for just the right image for my style. I found a lot of them, mostly really realistic looking artwork like this, or super sexy vintage-pinups like this, pleasantly skanky like this, or really skanky like this or this.

In the end I really liked this one. This one ties my angel/devil, good/evil idea together with my cartoon/comic book theme. It's just more in keeping with my style.

This will go on my left, or sinister, shoulder. I could not find the equivalent artwork for the angel, so I'll have to have the tattoo artist draw it up, reverse it and put it on my right shoulder.

Alternately, the same site has this one of the devil gal driving a car, which, as I mentioned, is when the devil wins me over the most.

I'll probably get this done later this year - Maybe around Thanksgiving. So, there's the first half of my new tattoo journey with more to come later after the I get the artwork finished and decide on an artist.

If you get a chance, check out Social D's "Sex, Love and Rock & Roll." It's a good album! I like "Winners and Losers," "Live Before You Die," and "Nickels and Dimes" the most, but the whole album rocks. And you never know what it might inspire you to do!

Getting Off Of My Ass

I often lament about not having enough time to do things (like in my last post). But then I always seem to manage to fit in a couple hours of TV every day, and I do a lot of needless running around town on errands. I've decided that I may not have any more time in the day, but I am going to get off of my ass and start doing some things. Monday I start a beginning guitar class. 5 weeks, 50 bucks and I'll be on my way to jamming out tunes like Orion or More Than A Feeling. I haven't actually signed up for the class yet, but putting it down in writing and putting it out in public like this is a great motivator. Studies prove that people who document their goals are more likely to achieve them.

Another reason I have no time is my job. It's hard to do everything you want when working a full time job for a soul sucking company like mine. That comes off a little whiny and desperate, but it's mostly true. You could do a lot more of what you want if you didn't have to work so much. That's why being retired or being a politician look so good. Plenty of down time to practice yoga, talk about how things used to be, or cruise public bathrooms tapping out Morse code and looking for a piece of ass.

So that's the magic move - not (allegedly) being a gay senator, but finding the dream job that I can do what I want, when I want and still make money and live the life I'm accustomed to now...or wait! Live a better life than I do now! I don't think I can make it as a gigolo, so that's out. Maybe I could be a pimp! I do like hats, and I've been thinking about trying to bring the walking cane back into vogue. I just need some hos, and 72 Cadillac with spinners on it. I'll get back to you on this!

I'm a lazy, lazy man

I don't have the time or energy to write anything new, so here's one of my faves from my old journal:

Clue was one of the coolest games ever. It became an icon. People would always say a line from the game when being questioned about something. Like, you would have broken something and made a half assed attempt to cover it up, and your parents would say “Who did this?” and you would reply “Colonel Mustard did it in the study with a candlestick!” and everyone would laugh and laugh and laugh.

Ok, that never happened, but seriously, who was the guy who played Mr. Green? And what ever became of him? He looks like he was a real dick. But I bet at parties he would talk it up to the chicks.

Mr Green: “You know, I am Mr Green from “Clue.”

Hot Chick: “Seriously?”

MG: “Totally. Here, let me do the pose for you.”

HC: “Take me to bed right now!”

MG: (internal monologue): “Mr. Green is going to do it in the bedroom with his cock!”

My friend sent me a link to 10 weird recordings. The one here is of Anneliese Michel, the girl whose demonic possession and exorcism are the basis for the movie "The Exorcism Of Emily Rose." This recording gave me the heebie-jeebies.

It made me think about some existential things though. Good vs. Evil, God vs. Satan, religious faith vs. atheism. I think everyone will agree that good and evil exist, though not everyone believes that there are divine or demonic forces behind them. Even the Catholic church, in the end, reversed it's position and said that Anneliese Michel was simply a weird little mental patient. After listening to the recording, it's easier for me to believe she's possessed than unbalanced (to be fair, she is speaking German so the effect is extra creepy).

I'm not an extremely devout person, but I do believe in God and I have seen a couple of things that I have hard time explaining away. I also see a larger hand at work in the design of the human body, in the way that right down to the cellular level the body is essentially a machine, with each component performing a predetermined task. With over a trillion cells working in harmony, how can that be chance? How can it just have 'evolved?' I know this is not a logical argument, but I prefer it to the alternative.

As for good vs. evil, there has to be that balance. One question I have heard is "How can you believe in a God that allows bad things to happen to people." The cop out answer is "Everything happens for a reason." I say it's a cop out because it doesn't go deep enough. If someone has a choice - say, whether or not to pull the trigger while robbing someone - there's not much of a point to making the right choice if there's no alternative. The "reason" someone gets shot may have nothing at all to do with the victim and everything to do with the violator. Of course, that point of view is of no comfort to the victim's family.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I have seen enough to believe that there is something beyond this world, something that I cannot touch or see, that influences the world I can touch. For lack of a better term, I'll call that something 'God,' and I think that makes my belief 'faith.'

Have you had any experiences that have led you down one path (faith) or the other?

Not Enough Time

I am really annoyed with my job right now. It's gotten so busy that it's interfering with my ability to blog on a regular basis. Since I don't have time to write, I'll point you to someone who does. Some of this guy's comics are pants-peeing funny. One of my favorites is "How to give a child a story they'll never forget."

http://www.basicinstructions.net/

Enjoy!

Research threads

I'm starting to get some work going on the research for my first non-fiction book. I'm looking to get feedback from people about if they could change anything in their past, knowing what they know now, would they change it and what would it be? Alternately, if they would not change anything, why not? I chose to start a thread on Topix (http://www.topix.com/forum/news/weird/TT8JMI7DJNGPLJECN) to seek feedback because it's a passive way to solicit information while I work at my day job. It's actually up to 21 comments now (nothing in thread size, really) and getting a couple of hits every hour or so. I think it's kind of like SimCity, where to be self sustaining you have to get it to a certain size. Since the forums sort by the most recently updated, you have to go in and enter a comment now and then to bring it back to the top. Once it has a serious number of hits, people keep coming back to see the replies to their comments, or drop in to see what all the fuss is about.

What's funny to me so far is the things that people would change are not at all what I had expected. No one is interested in going back and doing things differently financially (so far) like investing in Google or anything like that. No one is sorry they had an abortion, or that they didn't have an abortion. Of course there are a couple of trolls who have to make some weird comments, but that's to be expected in forums like this.

Now that I'm getting a little more savvy at these things, the next move is to try this in different forums and see which ones thrive better and which ones have different opinions. For instance, I would expect people to have different opinions in the African-American forum, the Guns&Ammo forum, the Abortion forum and the Cancer forum. In this way I can target audiences a little better. Eventually I'll be able to point peeps back to my blog (or a different themed blog) and have people seek me out. This could get fun.

JFK Was Conservative!

It's Sunday so I'm in a political mood. Have you heard this quote before?

"Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty."

If it sounds familiar, it should...but not because it's recent. This quote is from JFK's inaugural address in 1961. It's amazing how it fits today just as well as then. He also said, regarding allies: "United, there is little we cannot do in a host of cooperative ventures. Divided, there is little we can do -- for we dare not meet a powerful challenge at odds and split asunder. " Again, this is very poignant in today's world. While talking about allied nations, he may as well have been talking about the American political climate.

The Democratic Party won back majority in the House and Senate this past election, and Nancy Pelosi from San Francisco is now the speaker of the house. The first 9 months of their rule has been aimed at one thing: tear down everything Bush has built. It doesn't seem to matter what it is, whether it has benefit or not. If Bush did it, it's bad. The GOP, on the other hand, is forced into a filibuster mindset where they're trying to block the Dems at each turn. Frustratingly, nothing is getting done to improve our lives.

The bridge collapsed in Minnesota, and within two days faithful dems and libs were pointing out that this is yet another failure on the part of the Republicans. Ed Schultz even went so far as to say that the only reason Bush is talking about fatalities is because he didn’t give MN enough money to maintain the bridge. Others have said that it's because for too many years now, we haven't been paying enough in taxes. Never mind the facts, let's blame the president and raise taxes right away before everyone figures out the truth. Wait - the truth is already out. The bridge was declared "structurally deficient" in 1990 (SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO). The state on Minnesota allocates their transportation spending via their congressmen - the president has nothing to do with it. And lastly - in 2001, the Minnesota state transport agency deemed that the bridge needed to be replaced...by 2020. But let's blame Bush and raise taxes.

That's (one of) the problem(s) with this country. Every issue gets politicized and shoved at people before they have a chance to learn any of the extenuating circumstances. Studies show that once someone has developed an opinion on something they are not likely to change it, no matter how much evidence to the contrary they are presented with. Hence the urgency to bombard people with rhetoric 24x7.

Which brings me back to the beginning of this post. JFKs words seem to line up pretty closely with the actions of our current president. Yet the Democrats, who revere all things Kennedy, will pay any price (with our tax money) and bear any burden (as long as it's not long and difficult, like a war on terrorism) and meet any hardship (with partisan rhetoric) to assure (THEIR) survival and success of (replacing our) liberty (with the nanny state).

I therefore submit that JFK was, in fact, conservative, and he would have agreed with the conservative viewpoints today. There it is, write it down, get your friends to write it down, and we might convert a few of the Kennedy faithful.

I hope this story is true. I really do.

My friend sent me the following link. He's also the only one currently reading this blog, so this is for the benefit of future readers. Take a minute and read the story, then come back.

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2007/08/03/4392738-ap.html

There are so many things I like about this story for so many reasons.

1. Inspirational - this man has suffered more personal loss than just about anyone I can think of. While MSBs (men seeking boners) spend a literal fortune on Viagra and Cialis and "natural male enhancement" products because they can't sprout wood, this guy has to navigate the world with one leg a stump of an arm. Still, for 22 years he's tried to do something that most adults take for granted; drive a car. 22 years! For more than half of my life he hasn't let the man get him down...until now. We should all try so hard to get what we want.
2. Frustrating - he obviously has a marginal ability to drive, since he's lost his license so many times. The fact that he ever had a license in the first place is amazing. Yet through this 22 year long struggle to master the road, he's kept at it. He even led police on a chase for eight minutes - how many of us can say that? - at which point the police gave up the chase for fear of endangering lives. He has one leg and a stump arm - that's it! - and he outran police and made them give up the chase. What's frustrating is that the jackass in front of me the other day - with two good arms (I couldn't see his legs) - couldn't manage to use his fricking turn signal as he made a right turn from the center lane of traffic while going 10 under the speed limit. I would have thought he was drunk, but drunks drive better.
3. Funny - This guy - again with one leg and a stump arm - spent time in prison for, in part, KICKING A STATE TROOPER! Can you imagine the scene in the courtroom?

Judge: Mr Wiley - who only has one leg and a stump-arm, mind you - is charged with habitually driving without a license and with...um...it says here 'kicking a state trooper.' Is that right?

Prosecutor: Yes, that is correct, your honor.

Judge: Really? Kicking? He has one leg!

Prosecutor: We're aware of that your honor.

Judge: And we're prosecuting him? Seriously? He's not David Beckham or anything you know. He's only had one leg since he was thirteen.

Prosecutor: Your honor, it's still assault. That one leg is really strong.

Judge: What, did he kick him in the vagina?

Is This Funny?

I saw something last week that cracked me up, but in retrospect I don't know if it's funny or not. I was walking out of Walgreens and saw their marquee by the road, and it said "We rent breast pumps." Isn't that something you may want to buy? I typically rent things that I am only going to use once. A Ditch Witch for when I put in my sprinkler system. An impact hammer for mounting the joist brackets on my deck pilings. But a breast pump, I think, is something that you're probably going to use more than once. How does one decide to rent it vs. buy it?

Store Clerk: "What can I help you with sir?"

Billy-Bob: "I need to rent me one of them breast pumps."

Store Clerk: "How long will you need it?"

Billy-Bob: "Just the weekend. We're gonna tap 'er and bottle up as much as we can this weekend and see where that takes us."

Hey Amigo, Let's Party!

Actor Sean Penn hates his country. He proved it this week by going to Venezuela and meeting with Hugo Chavez, the dictator who is diametrically opposed to our government.


What does it matter if Sean and his fellow left-leaning ilk flaunt their allegiances? After all, they are not our elected officials, they don't make policy, and they don't control our government's decisions. Well, it is a problem of influence.

A large number of people in this country only get their news from "infotainment" channels, and those channels use these images of celebrities to get viewers to watch. People, especially young people, tend to put a lot of stock in their role models, and like it or not, celebrities are role models. Unfortunately, they are also often completely disconnected from the real world.

Cuban-born actress Maria Conchita Alonso, who grew up in Venezuela, and as such is actually qualified to speak about life in the South American country, said Penn is lending support to a "totalitarian" leader who wants increasing control of society. Alonso said although she respects Penn as an actor, she hopes he "comes to his senses and he realizes that he's being used."


And that's the crux of their role. Their position among the glitterati gives them a platform from which to preach, and their status as role models gets them into people's homes. If it were Hillary Clinton talking, people might change the channel. But George Clooney makes people linger for a minute. It's no surprise that the liberals use celebrities to their own ends.

A recent Democratic fund raiser was covered by all the major media outlets, including the TV tabloids. Most of the coverage I saw was voice overs of the candidates, quick cut with smiling celebrities like George Clooney. The message that is being implied is clear - if you're hip and cool in Hollywood, you support the democrats, who by their association with hip, cool Hollywood, become hip and cool themselves. By being seen with politicians, the celebs raise their image from actor to activist. Never mind that most of them have no more education or political savvy than the average person working in corporate America. The only difference is that someone in paycheck to paycheck corporate America has a lot more at stake than your left leaning actor.

Does anyone support the Republicans in Hollywood? Ah-nold does, and Bruce Willis used to. Though in Willis' case, it was only news after he switched his registered political party to Independent, as in "Willis comes to senses, leaves Republican party." It's almost a sin to be anything but left if you're in pop culture.

Patricia Heaton of "Everyone Loves Raymond" had a hard time getting work after speaking out that she was pro-life vs. pro-abortion. Hollywood is aghast at the 3000 American soldiers who have been killed in Iraq, Sean Penn and Hugo Chavez consider the war to be genocide on the part of the US, Madonna wants the US to stop the genocide in Darfur, and if it were up to her and Angelina Jolie we all would be raising an African orphan. But Hollywood has no concern for the 27 million abortions performed worldwide so far this year To say, as Heaton did, that she thinks abortion is wrong landed her on a black list for years. The left preaches tolerance for all, but only practices tolerance for their own, which may explain why people like Sean Penn are so comfortable in the company of dictators.

The great thing about this country is that everyone, including celebrities, are free to think as they please. But it would be a tragic thing if anyone in America thinks that the opinions of Sean Penn or Alec Baldwin or any of their left leaning brethren matter more than their own. I just hope people can see through the glitz and make their minds up for themselves and not let the media do their thinking for them.

[UPDATE 08/24/07: Here's a link to an interesting article by Gustavo Coronel, former member of the Venezuelan congress until it's dissolution in 1999 by Hugo Chavez. http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=21930]

The Liberal Fallacy Of Health

Your health is the number one thing in your life. Any number of parables will support that statement. When someone is dealt an unbelievably bad string of luck, invariably they will say "At least I have my health."

In his blog, Dilbert creator and self styled "philosotainer" Scott Adams has postulated a "happiness formula" that is excerpted here:

Happiness = health + money + social life + meaning

I like this theory because it suggests priorities, but is open to interpretation. But again, health is the first priority. Without health, you can't go out and make money. Without health and money, you don't have much of a social life. But what is health? Adams says health can be broken down into another formula: Health = sleep + diet + exercise. I think this is overly simplistic. Having had kidney stones that were not caused by my diet, I know that you need to have access to health care.

That brings me to liberals and their plan for the nanny state. If you buy into Michael Moore and his cause, socialized health care is the answer. On Jay Leno recently, Moore related a story about a man who had accidentally cut off the ends of two of his fingers. According to Moore, he wanted to have them reattached but was told that one of them would cost $60,000 to reattach, and he would have to go somewhere else for the surgery. The other would cost $12,000 and could be done at that hospital. Being a hopeless romantic, Moore said, the man chose the ring finger costing $12,000 while the other finger was thrown away. He then made the claim that if this happened in Canada, both fingers would have been attached for free. He went on to state that the US is the only country where this kind of thing happens.

Moore is great at stringing things together but leaving out the context. The $60,000 finger may have had much more extensive damage requiring more complex surgery to reattach it. If the surgery were that much more complex it's highly likely that a specialist was needed and therefore it could not be done at that particular hospital. Universal health care would fix none of that.

As for it being done in Canada for free, one of the largest trade offs you experience with UHC is that non-life threatening issues do not get preferential treatment (see my last post for an example). Losing the ends of one's fingers does not constitute a life threatening injury. Even a hopeless romantic can wear a ring on a shortened ring finger. And the US is far from the only place where this happens. The example in my previous post happened in France. I also am aware of a case in the Utopian Canada where a woman in labor was put on a plane and flown the equivalent of San Diego to Denver to deliver the baby because no delivery rooms were available anywhere near her home. Most people in labor have a hard enough time just making it to the hospital; she had to fly across half a continent just to find a bed!

I recently saw a bumper sticker that read "I love my country but fear my government." Another sticker said "Universal Health Care Now!" (A third one said "Voldemort Votes Republican" - which is just plain silly because as an Englishman, he can't vote here at all). I wondered if this person even realized that their own choice of stickers was contradictory. They fear the government, but want the government in control of their health care. I fear the day that I need help with something at the emergency room and I'm told to come back when it's life threatening.

And in Canada, Moore says, the $72,000 worth of operations would have been done "for free." Free meaning that if you live in Toronto and make $100,000 you will pay 29.2% in federal income tax alone. Add in regional taxes, payroll taxes and health and prescription taxes, and a married couple with two kids will pay almost 10% more in taxes than the same couple in the US. Single with no kids? You'll pay more too, but not as much (about 2% more). Still, that's a difference of $2000 to $10,000 on a $100,000 salary. I'll pay $216 in premiums for my health insurance this year. In my worst year (damn kidney!) I paid $2600 for all medical services and that included three days in the hospital and a surgery to remove the kidney stone. My total expenses over the last 10 years would not add up to more than $5,000. Under Canada's system it would be, at a minimum, four times that much. So no, the surgery Michael Moore was talking about would not be "free" in Canada.

This is not to say that our health care system is flawless. I think prices are out of control. A couple of itemized charges on my bill were $8 for two Advil; $120 for compression socks; $58 for a cup of juice, a blueberry muffin and cream of mushroom soup (which was horrible tasting). Without health insurance my tab would have run over $20,000 and I would have been bankrupted. But then again, I do have health insurance. And my provider paid significantly reduced prices vs. what was being charged, leaving me to pay a mere fraction. That's what competition does in a capitalist society. It drives prices down. Get on the government teat, and the competition goes away. If you look at the level of pork in our government spending, you would be foolish to think that health care would be immune to the same abuse.

And don't think that the quality of care will get better. The VA hospitals are quasi-socialized, and you don't hear much good about the quality of care given there. Anyone who has tried to figure out how to get a question answered about a misfiled income tax return will tell you that the level bureaucracy in a government institution is unmatched in nature. And we want them in charge of our health care?

As I said, I have health care insurance. I work my ass off to maintain it too. I don't want to pay for someone elses health insurance so they can sit in Starbucks and work on their novel while I grind out 40+ hours a week playing it safe with my benefits. We live in a country where people can do what they want, including not paying for health insurance or a health care savings account. I know that there are situations where people have the deck stacked against them, but I would be willing to bet (and there are always exceptions) that somewhere in their history they've made choices, by action or inaction, that led them down this path. For those that are truly destitute we have medicaid. When my ex-brother-in-law, who doesn't have a pot to piss in, rolled his truck driving while drunk (2nd DUI) and required surgery to repair damage to his spine, he paid next to nothing for the surgery, the stay in the hospital while in a coma, or the physical therapy that followed. He went from being nearly paralyzed to being so fit he could go out and get DUIs 3, 4 and 5, all while paying for whatever medical fees he was responsible for with his Social Security Disability Income. I think the Nanny is doing enough already, thank you.

So back to the happiness formula: Happiness = health + money + social life + meaning. Your health isn't a given. But there are things that you can do to stack the odds in your favor; like applying Adams' health formula of diet, exercise and getting enough sleep. The number one killer in this country is cardiovascular disease, and these three things can help or hurt your odds. So now I'm off to bed so I can get up and go for a run before eating my oatmeal. Here's to your health!

The Nannystate - Coming To A Country Near You!

I've been reading a lot about the so-called "Nanny State" concept (think France, or Canada, or any highly socialized government) where the state, not the individual, makes all of the choices for you. You can't decide which doctor to go to, or where you want to send your elderly parents for their nursing care. The state tells you the best place to send them. Just pray that the quality of that health care is better than that in France. In 2003 over 14,000 people died in August due to heat and entitlement (USA Today, 9/25/2003). The 104 degree heatwave coincided with the state entitled and virtually sacrosanct August holiday. Witness this assessment from John Lichfield, reporting for the The Independent in London, England, Aug. 22, 2003:

"In the first half of this month [August], thousands of ordinary French people—not all of them already sick or close to death—died because one of the most expensive and well-regarded health and social protection systems in the world failed to cope with 10 days of exceptionally high temperatures.

All over France, hospital wards were closed down this month to allow staff to go on holiday. Trolley beds containing dehydrated old people piled up in hospital corridors while large wards, filled with expensive resuscitation equipment, were locked and inaccessible, until the government belatedly declared an emergency.

Old people’s homes, where 50 percent of the casualties occurred, were operating with reduced and, sometimes, temporary staff. At one home in the Paris area, visited by French TV, there were two auxiliary staff members to cope with 60 residents during one of the worst nights of heat. Seven people died that night. Those old people’s homes, which were unable to cope, were discouraged from sending patients to hospitals, which were also unable to cope."

Is that unthinkable? Imagine that - you call the hospital and they tell you not to send someone who is in a life or death situation. Fran Drescher makes a better nanny.

So, what does that have to do with us? A lot, if the wrong people have their say. You may think this will never happen here, but it's already happening in increments. Here's an excerpt from a recent article from the New York Times by Thomas Friedman:

"Imagine a day when you will go online and buy a pass to drive into any major urban area and the price of your pass will be set by whether you are driving a hybrid or a Hummer, the time of day you want to drive, the road you want to use and how much carbon your car trip will emit...

Well, that day is pretty much here for London, Stockholm and Singapore -- and New York City could be next. In a few years, the notion that you will be able to get into your car in the suburbs and drive downtown for free will be as old-fashioned as horses and buggies. "

Buy a pass to drive? We already pay for the privilege to drive in congested areas - it's called TAXES. We pay taxes to maintain the roads we drive on. We even pay tolls to gain access to special lanes that suffer less congestion.

But that's not enough. Never satisfied, the green bandwagon wants to tell us where to drive and what to drive. So the concept here is to charge additional money to gain access to downtown areas that are congested, and they want to penalize those who have a larger "carbon footprint" so that they can even further rub their noses in it. This is despite the evidence that the number one producer of carbon emissions in congested urban areas, call it carbon bigfoot, are the operations of the buildings themselves. Rather than go after the biggest problem, lets focus on the guy in the Hummer. If you have to pay to drive on a congested street, maybe it would sweeten the deal if you got a hummer.

I understand the motivation to reduce congestion. But congestion is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. Most major cities have a robust public transit system that is good at moving people around the city, but not as good at bringing people to the city. If there were a few things in place on public transportation, I think it would help reduce congestion and the size of carbon feet. Such a system would have to be:

• Convenient - access points that are easy to get to, free WiFi on board
• Clean - no sticky seats, no BO smell stuck in the seats
• Safe - no muggings, park-n-rides at which suburbanites can leave their cars and expect to find them in one piece at the end of the day
• Comfortable - enough room to spread out, a fold down tray for a work surface

I won't deny that if there were fewer cars on the road we would be better off from a pollution standpoint and a traffic safety standpoint. Making people pay for the privilege of visiting a downtown area will reduce traffic, yes. But if you have fewer people driving downtown, it makes sense that fewer people will be going downtown. That means fewer shoppers, fewer restaurant patrons, fewer bar patrons. The only ones driving downtown will be the ones who can, or are willing to, afford the cost. But the Nanny state doesn't look that far down the road. Says Lichfield: "In the last Easter holidays, a close friend had to have an emergency operation on her eye. No state hospital in Paris could take her in during the holiday weekend. Admissions were allowed for life-or-death cases only. Saving the sight of an eye did not qualify. She had to have her operation done in the private (and expensive) American Hospital in the Paris suburbs."

This traffic idea is a far cry from denying someone emergency care, but every inch given is an inch we'll never get back. Today it's your car, tomorrow it's your eye! 20 years from now we'll wish we had the vision to see that.

Fantasies Come To life

Here's how I think a lot of movies get made. I'll set the scene:

In the office of a Hollywood movie production house a meeting is taking place. The head of the production company is fuming because no one is coming up with any fresh ideas. Greg Schmeckel, a 21 year old intern, is sound asleep and dreaming.

Production head (PH): "Dammit, people, we need something big! Something that hasn't been done a hundred times by Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer!"

Female staffer: "How about a buddy picture with several girls going through coming of age issues all linked together by something, like the travelling pants..."

PH: (Interrupts) "I said NEW! And we want this picture to make money, not make estrogen. Dammit, people, think! Hey....SCHMECKEL! Are you ASLEEP!!??"

Schmeckel: "Guh?"

PH: "Since you have so many winning movie ideas that you can sleep through my meetings, tell me one now or you are FIRED!"

Schmeckel: (Hiding morning wood, thinking about the dream he was having) "Um...well...I don't have the full plot fleshed out yet, but it stars Lindsay Lohan as a stripper."

Female Staffer: "Ugh. I think the world has seen ENOUGH of Lindsay Lohan and her antics."

PH: "Hey, Gloria Steinem, zip it! This might work. I can see the image now! Schmeckel, you're a GENIUS!!"

Look for I Know Who Killed Me hitting theaters July 27th.

What Are They Thinking?

In this installment of "What Are they thinking" I have a driving issue. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a low tolerance for anything blatantly idiotic. This is because I am very judgemental. On the Meyers-Briggs personality type I am an ENTJ (Extroverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judging). My J score was as far to the J side as it could be. So when I encounter someone like I did yesterday, it just sticks in my craw.

I was behind a gold colored sedan on the drive home. The guy was driving in a really erratic fashion - hitting the brakes when no one was near him, stopping at railroad tracks for no reason, driving 10-15 miles UNDER the speed limit. I finally had a chance to get around him and looked over - I'm sure with a disapproving glare - and saw the reason he was so distracted. He was READING A FRICKING BOOK! He had it propped on the steering wheel and was very focused on it and not the road. At the next intersection, where he stopped about 4 car lengths behind the next car, he pulled out a pen and began underlining things and writing notes in the margins!!


Here's his car. I'm really disappointed that this picture didn't come out better, but as I was actually driving, I couldn't get a picture until I was stopped in a turn lane. I was hoping to get a clear picture so you could see all the detail, but this is the best you get with a cell phone camera and moving traffic. The white blob you see in front of the door jamb is the book. I was hoping to get his licence plate too, but again, cell phone camera.

So What Was He Thinking? Here are some possibilities:

• "Must...finish...'Harry Potter and the Order Of The Phoenix'...before it comes out on Wednesday..."
• "This 'Driving For Dummies' is really a good read!"
• "It just doesn't get any better than Penthouse Forum."
• "'The Assault On Reason' is Al Gore's best work yet!"
• "But Officer, the review says 'you can't put this book down!'"

Your turn - What was he thinking?

Sheehan's Shame

Cindy Sheehan is making the news again, with a demand that Nancy Pelosi introduce articles of impeachment against President Bush, or else she'll run against her for her seat in the house in 2008. She also said she's left the Democratic party because they haven't done enough to end the war. She's so far out there the Dems are probably glad to get rid of her; they probably wish she'd take Michael Moore with her.

Rather than look at her reasons behind the impeachment blibby-blabby, it's more fun with people like her to find other people they resemble. Maybe this is all a ruse to take attention away from the fact that she may very well be the biological mother of Carrot Top. You heard it here first, folks. Oh, the shame of it all.


Is there a connection? It's just as likely as her being elected to the house! Then again, she does live in San Francisco, and as the land that reason forgot, it's a place where anything goes.

Mark Twain is the smartest man alive.

"There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press." -- Mark Twain

I make no secrets about the fact that I am a conspiracy theorist about the media. They plot and scheme and collude to print things that meet their agenda. What is their agenda? To report the truth? To expose corruption? Hardly. Their agenda is to destroy America. How do they plan on doing it? Easy.

1. Act sincere
2. Lie (as Costanza says - it's not a lie if YOU believe it!)
3. Deny

The media routinely report things that are false, one sided or inaccurate. Here's how they do it. I have a friend. For the sake of argument, we'll call him Kurt. When he doesn't want you to know something he won't lie to you. He just won't tell you the truth. He'll leave out details, or side step pointed questions. That's what the press does. They present portions of a story. They present data, but leave out the context. They use absurd scales on charts to make them look more powerful. They use statistics but not statistical methods. And the more controversial something is, the better. If it bleeds, it leads.

Here's a recent example of a subtle deceptive move. Playboy (hardly a bastion of balanced reporting) had a box headed "Dumb Like A Fox." The statistic was that 54% of Daily Show and Colbert Report viewers "passed" a quiz about current events by answering at least 66.67% of the questions correctly. Only 35% of Fox News watchers passed. They then had pictures of Stephen Colbert and Bill O'Reilly. It's a shot across the bow of O'Reilly, who those on the left love to hate. Colbert is the host of - stay with this - the Colbert Report. There's a direct correlation there. O'Reilly is the host of about 8% of Fox News Channel's programming. Why not show Brit Hume, Greta Van Susteren, Sean Hannity or Alan Colmes? They're not the blowhards that O'Reilly is, or are female, or are not conservative. No, putting O'Reilly's picture in there was done to associate his image with the phrase "Dumb As A Fox."

That was a minimalist example. The discovery of car bombs in London was called "a criminal act" not a terrorist act by the New York Times and NBC. Why? They want to believe, and want everyone else to believe, that the jihad doesn't exist. Why? It undermines the President, that's why.

The New York Times also ran coverage of the 5 terrorists who were captured plotting to blow up the jet fuel pipelines that run from New Jersey to JFK International Airport....on page 37. It didn't even rate page one news that a terror plot was disrupted in the city the paper claims as it's home! Why? It was a successful example of intelligence gathering and multinational, multi jurisdictional cooperation in the apprehension of the suspects, which reflects well on the the President. So they didn't lie about it, they just buried it.

Even Michael Moore is on the band wagon. He recently received some press that he didn't agree with (specifically that his new "documentary" is misleading. Saying Moore's work is misleading is like saying guns shoot bullets, but that's beside the point). In a clear example of how the left will turn on itself, just before he launched a personal attack on Wolf Blitzer, he bloviated about the media, shouting that he wished the "mainstream media" would "just for once" tell the truth. Without even pausing to appreciate how delicious the irony of the comment was, he said "you guys have such a poor track record.."

At last, Mike, you said something I can agree with.

Stop Global Whining

In general , I think that most people get a little bit more patriotic around July 4th. Conservatives, liberals, progressives, atheists, scientists...heck, even scientologists (probably) all agree that the founding fathers started something very bold when they signed the DoI back in 1776. Everyone of a differing political ideology has a different opinion of what the founding fathers would think of today's version of the USA, but I definitely think that they got it right way back then. A new system of government was born, one that didn't just guarantee freedom of religion, but freedom FROM religion, that guaranteed the rights of the populace to peacefully assemble, to freely voice their opinions and to do pretty much whatever they needed to do to keep the king of England out of their face. 231 years later, for good or bad, we still enjoy those rights.

So why do so many high profile Americans turn their back on America? There are 115,000 orphans in the United States, but Angelina Jolie had to outsource her adoptions to Africa and Asia and became the modern day Audrey Hepburn for the UN. Not to be outdone, Madonna jumped in the fray and adopted and African of her own, but she had to blaze a trail in Malawi, a country with no laws on the books regarding adoption. She and husband Guy Ritchie helped set the course for the country, so up yours, Angie! I have to believe that their actions are sincere, not driven by the need for publicity, or they're both worse than The Simpsons' Troy McLure, because they actually went through with it. Of course I realize that there are horrible problems in Africa; of course I realize that the number of orphans in Africa outnumber those in the US by a factor of 100. Of course I realize that America has a robust, if flawed, foster care system that isn't present in Africa. But that may matter surprisingly little to a child in an orphanage here in the US.

Oprah Winfrey has opened a new school for 152 underprivileged girls...in South Africa. This has become her passion, at a cost of $40 million, with 4 more in the planning stages elsewhere in Africa. In undertaking this endeavor she said "What I wanted to do is give an opportunity to girls who were like me, girls who were poor, who had come from disadvantaged circumstances." But these girls aren't like her - they're South African; she's from Mississippi. Why not 152 American girls? Apparently Oprah can't find girls poor enough here. Ours is a consumer based society, and our economy depends on consumerism. But when people buy into the "gotta have it" mentality, Oprah turns her nose up at them, saying "If you ask the kids what they want or need, they will say an iPod or some sneakers. In South Africa, they don't ask for money or toys. They ask for uniforms so they can go to school." So education is the most important thing, right? Sure it is, that's why Oprah dedicated 2 shows to the problems that are persistent in the American education system in 2006. I guess all of them wanting iPods (damn you, Steve Jobs!) or shoes turned her away from American issues and into South Africa. Probably didn't hurt that Nelson Mandela asked her to help out, I'm sure. How can you say no to Nellie? If it's about the education, what's up with the beauty parlor and the yoga studio that are included in the school? "I understand that many in the [South Africa] school system and out feel that I'm going overboard, and that's fine," she said. "This is what I want to do." Of course Oprah made her empire having started with absolutely nothing; of course she has spent $260 million on other causes (if you're wondering, she's currently worth an estimated $1.5 billion), including putting 7 black men through college (though I'm sure none of them owned an iPod or shoes); of course it's her money to do with as she pleases. I'm sure that I'm committing heresy by not agreeing with the actions of one of the most influential women in the world, but of course that's my prerogative.

What I'm trying to get across is that there is something wonderful about this country. In Hollywood it's become fashionable to have an opinion (left leaning wears best), and it's in vogue to point out how many problems there are with this country. This is only important insofar as celebrities occupy a very high strata in our society, and there are a lot of people who put a lot of stock in what they say. So with all the finger pointing, you would think that some of this time and these resources would be spent domestically. Then again, if they worked at fixing issues, the cynic in me says that they wouldn't have anything to bitch about, and it's more fun to bash our government and then go global with your goodwill.

And that's what is so great about America. You're free to bitch about your government, you're free to adopt kids from where ever you want, you're free to make an absolute ass load of money and spend it however you want, where ever you want. And you're free to put the needs of others in foreign lands ahead of the needs of your own people. Whether I agree with their actions or not, that quirk - trying to give other people a shot at a better life - isn't just what's great about America, it's what's great about Americans.

Happy Birthday, America.

Annoying Advertising

Have you seen the Ford Edge commercials with the two guys who pull up next to each other, each driving a Ford Edge, going opposite directions, so they can talk about their Ford Edges? I don't understand ad campaigns like this one. It doesn't make me want to buy a Ford Edge, it makes me think these two guys are gay for their cars (not that there's anything wrong with that). It's an interesting look at auto-erotica, but it doesn't make we want to run out and buy a Ford Edge. Here, I'll paraphrase the ad for you:

Guy #1: Did you hear about how quiet the Ford Edge is?

Guy #2: No. How quiet is it?

Guy #1: It's so quiet that it won a quiet contest against a Lexus.

Guy #2: It won a quiet contest? How did it do that?

Guy #1: (sits quietly)

Guy #2: Wow, that's pretty quiet!

Guy #1: That's right. Now let's get out and masturbate on our cars.

Guy #2: Finally!

I'm So High

I've just set a personal record for running mileage in a single month at 80.5 miles. My previous best was 80.22 in November of last year. To some people these numbers are not impressive, but for me they're huge. I started running in 2004 and I'm no phenom, but I plod along pretty well for someone who works a full time job and tries to keep several other hobbies going. This month I also went over 2000 running miles total since starting in 2004, so it's a month of milestones. I've run the Bolder Boulder several times, numerous other 10K and 5K races and a half marathon. But I've never been high.

I've heard of the runner's high, and I guess I expected to experience it before now. I've been running and waiting, running and waiting for 4 years. I think I was expecting a moment of epiphany where I was exposed to some momentous vision or maybe a glimpse of the meaning of life. At the very least I would have liked a feeling of giddyness, like that moment in a bar when you first realize you're buzzed. But what I got was nothing. 4 years of nothing.

This week I think I finally got it. It wasn't what I expected, but at the same time it was better. I didn't learn the meaning of existence, or discover the secret to world peace. What happened was I ran outside myself. I was 3 miles into a 7 mile run when I realized I wasn't breathing heavy, I wasn't straining, but rather I was smooth, fluid and felt like I could maintain that pace forever. I was in the moment, but unaware of the moment. I forgot that I was running. I forgot everything. I just ran. Before I knew it I was at mile 6 and almost done. I had chased, and caught, another runner who held out for a while, then fell back and was gone behind me. I was cruising through that last mile at a 7:30 pace, which is flying for me. And then, the run was over.

It wasn't until I was cooling down that I replayed the run in my mind, and I realized what had happened. I finally got the mythical runner's high. I don't know what went right on this run, or what circumstances aligned on this day, but I know I look at running a little differently now. Today when I tied my new shoes and headed out for 6 miles, I did so not with a time or a speed in mind, but just wanting to run by feel. And I have to tell you, it felt good.

Attack Of The Clones

I'm reading the book America Alone by Mark Steyn. It's a doomsday tome that so far is centered around the fact that the global birth rate is lower than that needed to sustain growth, and the birth rates in many European nations are low enough so that their populations will halve in the next generation. Spain, for example, has a birth rate of 1.1 children per woman - in other words, two parents have 1 child. Use round numbers like 100 parents produce 50 children, and you can see the issue. If those 50 have 25 children, in two generations the populace can't sustain itself economically. The second premise of the book (thus far) is that Islamic people are filling the voids in the population in Europe. Many countries are 40% Muslim already.

The demographics at play here may do more to alter our thinking about genetics than anything else. If people won't have children, or can't have children, why not produce clones? If the technology were there to produce healthy, viable, offspring that were indistinguishable from a normally conceived child, I can imagine that the people on waiting lists for adoption would take them in a heartbeat. The designer children would be, by design, disease resistant, athletically superior, predisposed to higher than average intelligence and essentially perfect in every way a parent could want.

Sure, the ethics of cloning come into question, but if a society was facing extinction, or at least the death of it's preferred way of life, I think the ethical debate would be short lived. People have done worse things in the name of preserving their way of life (the holocaust comes to mind), so why would this be so hard to believe?

GATTACA Is Our Future

I really liked the movie GATTACA. It seemed like a very plausible version of the future, though it went off on the Orwellian theme a bit. That's the problem with movies like that; they always dwell on all of the bad things that come from messing with nature and none of the good stuff. Sure, insurance companies would probably use DNA analysis to remove people from eligibility because of a predisposition to heart disease, but once they have the ability to scan for those kinds of defects, they'll soon be able to alter your DNA to switch that sucker off. People that are afraid of the repercussions should remember that if we learn nothing else from comic books, it's that nearly every time someone has had some sort of DNA altering experience they wound up with a super power.

To get past all the liberals and the ACLU law-dogs, the science nerds will focus their DNA altering skills on two things to start with: boners and baldness. If they find a way to switch off the baldness gene the lawmakers will fall all over themselves to allow the work to go forward. Fix erectile dysfunction and you've got a gold rush on your hands. Once the train's in motion, we're only a frogs hair away from ending other scourges as well...horrible genetic betrayals like being ugly. Imagine a world where you go to a bar and all the girls are pretty, and not just at 2 AM. In other words it would be like Salt Lake City.

Really The Biggest Loser

I don't want to sound like a stand up comedian here, but have you heard about this product called Alli (Orlistat)? It's a "weight loss aid" that works by preventing the absorption of fat in your intestines. Sounds reasonable, except for the side effects.

With most drugs you have a litany of side effects that are either mild enough to be acceptable or are so far out that you can't imagine it will happen to you. Things like "some people taking Zibulox experience tingling in their fingers." If Zibulox prevents hemorrhoids and the trade off is tingly fingers, that's a deal. "More severe side effects include the growth of rectal gnomes who will keep you awake mining your feces for corn to make E-85." Now, that's just something that won't happen to me....after all, I haven't heard of that on the news, so Zibulox is still getting the green light from me.

Not so with Alli. This is straight from their pamphlet (emphasis is mine): "The MAIN side effect occurs when you eat a meal with too much fat while taking Alli." So far that's not promising because that seems like something that is likely to happen. It goes on: "If so much fat is blocked that your stool can't absorb it, you might have side effects." The flyer then explains that they prefer to call them "treatment effects." Then it hits you with the whammy: "These include loose or more frequent stools that may be hard to control, or gas with an oily discharge. The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza."

What the fuck kind of pizza do these people eat? To summarize, when you're taking this weight loss supplement and you eat a meal with too much fat (which is what got you in trouble in the first place) you are likely to either have frequent diarrhea, shit yourself or have oily farts.

Bruce: "Hey Bob, looks like you sat on an oily piece of pizza. Quite a stain on the seat of the old pants there."

Bob: "Nope, that's just an oily discharge from a fart. It sure looks like the oil on slice of pizza though. Thanks to Alli, I'm farting myself thin!"

Bruce: "I just threw up in my mouth a little."

If this thing starts to take off, I'm buying stock in Kimberly-Clark, the maker of Depends. Now, more than ever, they're not just for people with bladder control problems!

That's a shame

"That's a shame." Seinfeld used to say that whenever one of Kramer, George or Elaine's schemes went awry. I have decided that, like Seinfeld, I am not a nice person. It's not that I'm mean, so to speak, but I am just indifferent about other people's plights. I was pulling around a traffic circle the other day and a guy on a mountain bike came from the side street into the circle, and he was really flying. I had a fleeting thought of "He's going way too fast." Sure enough, he got to the opposite side of the circle and wiped out. He got up, looked at the scrapes on his elbows and knees, and pulled his bike out of traffic. Rather than stop and ask if he was OK, I just thought to myself "That's a shame," and kept on driving. It wasn't until later that I wondered if he was hurt.

Another example...while stopped in traffic, I noticed a guy gesticulating wildly at the lady in front of him. Normally I disregard this kind of stuff, but we were too far back from the light to make through on the next green light, so I figured this would be good entertainment for the next few minutes. He was still waving and pointing at the woman in front of him. She was driving a Jetta and had a bike on the rack on the roof. Also lying on the roof was her bike helmet., and that's what the guy was trying to her. My first thought was "Oh, that sucks for her." Again, I didn't think of helping her, or telling her (I could have as I was in the lane beside her), but I was merely content to observe.

So this guy was trying to get her attention, and she finally acknowledged him. She opened her sunroof and grabbed the helmet, lifted it up and it caught tight on the bike rack. She tugged on on it a few times to demonstrate that she had latched the straps of the helmet around the rack, then closed the sunroof. I have no clue why she would latch the helmet to the roof rack rather than tossing it in the back seat, but I think this is the crux of why I don't ever do things to be nice. First of all, people do so many stupid things that you could run out of daylight trying to help them all. In reality, you may think you're doing someone a favor, but whatever they've done, they've done on purpose. Or they're embarrassed by what they've done so they act like it was on purpose. Either way, you've got nothing for your trouble but a disdainful look from someone who was bothered by your intrusion.

Obviously, if someone was hurt badly or being attacked, I wouldn't hesitate to help. Otherwise, and maybe I'm just jaded, but unless someone actually asks for help I'm content to observe and if something goes badly, well, that a shame.

Splatterpoop And The Adult Diaper Dilemma

I called my friend Derrick a couple of weeks ago. He's just had his second kid and we haven't talked in forever, so I rang him up and we talked for about an hour. It was great catching up with him, but he left me with a nagging question. Here's the situation...

He's got a relative who is getting on in years and has to use adult diapers (don't chuckle - we're all headed there!). His wife was talking about this relative to another relative and asked if, when they saw him the other day, he was "poopy." Derrick's whole point in telling me this is that it's pretty common to refer to a baby as being "poopy" when it needs a diaper change, but it's kind of disturbing to refer to an adult family member as "poopy." There has to be, he said, a better word for it.

I have been pondering over this off and on since Derrick and I spoke. With the baby boomers growing older, there is going to be a glut of people who have to go the diaper route in the next 10-15 years. And Derrick is right - I can't see myself asking my mom if my dad is "poopy." I decided that this is a linguistic hole that needs to be filled.

I asked a few people their opinions about this, and I learned a few things in the process. First, not everyone is comfortable talking about poop at work. One person even told me that this was "inappropriate" right before they left to use the rest room. I could almost smell the irony.

Then there's the other extreme. Some people had poop stories at the ready, like they'd been waiting for the right time to use them, and here it was. My favorite was this one, mainly for the visual: "I have a friend who lives in England and he goes to Europe all the time. He told me that in Holland they call diarrhea 'splatterpoop.'"

I haven't been able to confirm that, but it sounds right, and I can certainly get the mental picture. But I digress....

Today's question: what should it be called when an adult has crapped their diaper?

The Debate I Want To See

A lot of politics today is not conducted in Washington or in the state capitals, but in the mythical land where reason is often suspended. I'm talking about Hollywood. I find it strange that people in the entertainment industry are lent such power, but they fact is that they easily gain entry to people's houses where most politicians find the doors shut and locked. People get excited to watch The Daily Show, but most won't even set their Tivo for the debates.

Now, I'm a conspiracy theorist when it comes to the entertainment industry. I think that the actors, comedians and their ilk have a deal with the liberal politicians. The politicos want to play at being loved entertainers, while the entertainers want to pretend that they have something substantial to say. The American public, for a large part, want to have someone lead them to a conclusion so they don't have to think or pay attention, or learn anything...it's almost like people say "Tell me who to vote for and I'll do that on my way to Carl's Jr."

I have a great sense of humor, but in Hollywood there's an agenda to much of the programming, and it leans in one direction, while a few people, like Dennis Miller go against the grain. That's a dangerous move in the entertainment industry, but he makes it work.

So here's the debate I would like to see - Dennis Miller vs. anyone in Hollywood. Colbert. Stewart. Lewis Black. It's amazing to me to see Dennis Miller now - he's full of conviction, and his whole ideology changed after 9/11. He levies criticism where it's deserved, but he sticks to his guns about his beliefs, and doesn't sacrifice his country's soul for a laugh.

Technology - To Die For?

How far would you go to retrieve your cell phone if you dropped it? Would you stuff half of your body in a storm sewer to get your phone back? If you said "yes" you should read this story: http://www.fdlreporter.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070607/FON0101/306070031

This guy actually DIED trying to get his phone out of the storm sewer in front of his house. I think there are a couple of lessons here.

1. Don't drop your phone in the sewer.
2. If you do, don't just dunk your head in there like you're bobbing for apples, unless you have someone there to help you get out.
3. Lastly, if you're THREE HUNDRED POUNDS maybe you should get someone smaller to go spelunking. I mean, really - isn't that the kind of thing people have kids for?

Flying Cars!

The future, as I envisioned it when I was 10, is almost here! The Terrafugia Transition flying car is on the horizon. Here's a video clip of how it works: http://www.flixxy.com/terrafugia-transition-flying-car.htm.

Imagine being able to fly wherever you're going...flying over all of the traffic, by-passing red lights, rude drivers and speed traps. It would be awesome...but it won't work. I can think of several reasons why.

First, like in the video, you would have to have a place to take off and land, and that would require order and patience to get to your turn. This would be inconvenient, especially considering that people can't wait 5 seconds to allow you to pass without pulling out in front of you. Last Saturday a woman passed me on the inside (I was going 10 over the limit!) and passed the car in front of me through a turn lane so she could turn right at the next light. Neither me nor the woman in front of me were turning, so this gal saved herself exactly no time as she wound up precisely where she would have been had she been driving the speed limit. Pardon the pun, but in an airborne vehicle this kind of "driving" won't fly.

Second, people cannot (in general) manage well in two dimensions, so I doubt that they'll do better navigating in three. For instance, many people cannot merge into traffic from a side road without causing congestion. Some will actually cause accidents because they hesitate or actually stop in the merge lane. In an airborne vehicle, hesitation means plummeting to the ground and dying. Inability to negotiate traffic means collisions. Collisions in an airborne vehicle mean, again, plummeting to the ground and dying.

Third, I imagine that the permits required and the requisite insurance would be more expensive than the average person would want to pay in both time and dollars, especially since a percentage of the population won't register or insure their cars today. At $148,000 the vehicle itself would cost more than some people's houses. That may be the only thing keeping it viable - only the truly rich could afford it, and they'll probably have a trained driver/pilot to ferry them about.

It's OK to dream though, and for a $7400 deposit and the patience to wait until 2009, the Terrafugia Transition makes this dream almost a reality.

And away I go....

Welcome to the 21st century. I've resisted getting into blogging for a long time because once you post something to the web, it's out there and there's no getting it back. That could be important to me, because I'm just the kind of idiot that would post something thinking it's funny, only it offends a thousand people. Then it gets back to someone where I work and I'll wind up one of those people who blogged and lost their jobs. Of course, for that to happen, people have to actually read this, which I am not convinced will happen in large enough numbers to matter, and I have to post something questionable, and I have at least some control over that.

Why do I have the urge to blog at all? I think anyone who uses this site knows the answer to that. To be heard, to have a forum and some control over the content, because sometimes I have something that I think is profound to say, because I keep a journal and sometimes I write something that I think is particularly funny...all good reasons. I've read a lot of blogs and commented in a lot of forums and have gotten good feedback on what I've had to say, so I thought, why not take it a step farther? And The Baying Hound was born.

The funny thing is now that I'm writing for a public forum, my mind has frozen. I've gone into self-censor mode and my creative engine has vapor locked. I feel like John Elway lining up behind the guard in his opening game. Not a good performance, but it's got the ball moving. For anyone reading this, I hope you'll check back later. As I get comfortable in my on-line skin I know I'll post a few gems. Thanks for your patience!